Why I Quit My Amazon Software Engineering Job After Two Months: A Story of Mental Breakdown and Recovery
Summary:
This video recounts the speaker's challenging experience working at Amazon and the subsequent mental health crisis, culminating in a journey of recovery and new employment.
- The speaker grew up in poverty with a strong desire to help his family, leading him to pursue a high-paying software engineering job.
- He secured a position at Amazon's Alexa organization, expecting a well-oiled engineering machine, but found a burnt-out team and a discouraging manager.
- He experienced intense anxiety, inability to concentrate, and felt his brain breaking down, leading him to quit after two months.
- After quitting, his mental health worsened, characterized by depression, drug and alcohol abuse, memory loss, crying spells, and paranoid delusions, which he later identified as possible substance-induced psychosis.
- A turning point came when he started consistently solving LeetCode problems daily, which provided structure and helped him recover.
- This consistency eventually led him to secure a job at Google a year later, transforming his life and making him feel like he's living a dream.
A YouTube video thumbnail announcing the speaker's new employment at Google. [ 00:08:55 ]
Backstory and Motivation [0:36]
The speaker shares his personal background, highlighting the poverty he experienced growing up and his motivation to help his family.
- Early Life Challenges
- Grew up with his mom and two brothers, as his dad had drug problems and abandoned them.
- Experienced poverty, recalling a memory of being upset about ripping newly bought jeans.
- Purpose and Goal
- Felt a clear purpose from a young age: to get a high-paying job to support his family.
- Was the first in his family to attend college, with the goal of getting a CS degree quickly.
Amazon Experience [1:25]
After graduating, the speaker accepted a software engineering offer from Amazon but quickly faced difficulties.
- Job Offer and Initial Feelings
- Secured an offer from Amazon for 140k/year after some failed interviews.
- Felt immense relief and accomplishment, believing his hard work would finally pay off.
- Showed an Amazon-branded backpack as proof of his employment.
The speaker displays his Amazon-branded backpack as proof of employment. [ 00:01:45 ]
- Disillusionment at Amazon
- Joined the Alexa organization, expecting a highly efficient engineering environment.
- The team consisted of four experienced engineers and five to six new graduates, including him.
- His manager's first advice was to "try not to ask questions" because the team was "a little burnt out."
- Mental Decline and First Resignation
- Experienced severe anxiety, inability to concentrate, and felt his brain "breaking."
- Trivial tasks became impossible.
- Felt like he was "on fire" and needed to make the feeling stop, leading to his resignation.
- Attempted Reversal and Final Decision
- Managers tried to convince him to stay, and he briefly reconsidered.
- After a few days, he sent his resignation for the third and final time.
Mental Breakdown [4:07]
Quitting Amazon did not alleviate his mental health struggles; instead, they intensified, leading to a period of severe depression and paranoia.
- Post-Quitting Deterioration
- Thought things would improve after quitting but they did not.
- Experienced intense stomach anxiety whenever he opened VS Code.
- Gave up on coding and making LeetCode videos due to depression.
A list of the speaker's LeetCode videos from August 2020, reflecting his initial coding content before his mental health deteriorated. [ 00:04:26 ]
- Coping Mechanisms and Despair
- Turned to drugs and alcohol, using a bong so frequently he no longer felt its effects.
- Questioned how this happened to him, feeling he wasn't strong enough.
- Believed he had failed and wouldn't make his family proud.
- Drug-Induced Psychosis
- In a desperate state, he consumed 5-6 tabs of LSD, a decision he describes as a "horrible mistake."
- The experience intensified all negative feelings and thoughts.
- After the experience, his perception of reality changed dramatically.
- Believed a school construction project near his home was a cover for spying on him.
- Felt people were following him during walks and police were tracking him while driving.
- Developed a paranoid delusion about Amazon blaming him for a future data breach, leading him to burn his handwritten notes.
A news headline about a Capital One data breach affecting 100 million accounts. [ 00:06:34 ] 
A news article highlighting that the Capital One data breach hacker previously worked as a software engineer for Amazon Web Services. [ 00:06:39 ]
How I Got Better [6:59]
Despite the severity of his mental state, the speaker found a path to recovery through self-care and consistent effort.
- Struggles and Fear
- Found it hard to recover, experiencing constant crying and significant memory loss.
- Feared he was "completely losing his mind," forgetting his age, name, and appointments.
- He would drive to an empty parking lot, cry, and read self-affirmation notes to himself.
A screenshot of the speaker's self-affirmation notes, dated August 20, 2020, detailing his positive self-talk during recovery. [ 00:07:56 ]
- Turning Point: Consistency in LeetCode
- Decided on December 1, 2020, to solve one LeetCode problem every day, regardless of other circumstances.
- The consistency and predictability of this routine helped calm his mind significantly.
- Started feeling "a tiny bit normal again" within a week.
- Resumed making LeetCode videos shortly after.
A list of the speaker's LeetCode videos from December 2020, demonstrating his renewed and consistent daily practice. [ 00:08:35 ]
- Recovery and New Beginnings
- His mental clarity returned as quickly as it had deteriorated.
- Continued solving LeetCode problems for a year.
- Eventually received a job offer from Google.
A YouTube video thumbnail announcing the speaker's new employment at Google. [ 00:08:55 ]
- Post-Recovery Perspective
- Feels like life since recovery has been "a dream," almost unreal.
- Attributes his improved capabilities to this experience, feeling "somebody else is doing it for me."
- Speculates his initial "going crazy" experience was likely "drug-induced psychosis."
A Wikipedia definition of 'Substance-induced psychosis'. [ 00:09:28 ]
My Advice [9:30]
The speaker concludes with advice based on his journey, emphasizing key principles for success and personal growth.
- Principles for Success
- Be consistent.
- Never stay down.
- Enjoy what you do, even obsess over it.
- Be honest and self-critical.
- Self-Belief
- States he would never bet against someone who embodies these qualities.
- Vows to never bet against himself again.