How to Build Intimacy Gradually with the "Match Plus One" Technique from Radically Open DBT

Summary:

This video introduces the "Match Plus One" technique, derived from Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (RODBT), as a low-risk method for building intimacy in relationships.

The technique involves disclosing personal information in incremental steps, starting with low vulnerability.
You assess whether the other person reciprocates your level of disclosure.
If they reciprocate, you can increase your vulnerability by "plus one" degree.
If reciprocation is absent, you maintain or decrease your level of disclosure to avoid over-investing or facing rejection.
The video outlines 10 levels of intimacy, ranging from discussing non-emotional everyday events (Levels 1-2) to expressing deep love and making sacrifices (Level 10).
An example demonstrates progressing through these levels in an acquaintance relationship.
A self-assessment exercise is provided, encouraging viewers to map their existing relationships on the intimacy spectrum and identify patterns or gaps.
The video concludes with a "homework assignment" to challenge oneself to practice a disclosure slightly outside one's comfort zone, fostering gradual growth in intimacy.

The 10-level Match Plus One Intimacy Rating Scale from Radically Open DBT [ 00:02:10 ]

Understanding the Match Plus One Technique [00:00:19]

The video introduces the "Match Plus One" technique, a strategy from Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (RODBT) designed for building intimacy in a low-risk manner.

Origin of the Technique [00:00:19]
- The technique originates from Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (RODBT), a variation of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).
Core Principle [00:00:46]
- It involves starting with less personal disclosures and then assessing if the other person reciprocates.
- If reciprocation occurs, you elevate your disclosure by one "plus one" degree of vulnerability.
- If not, you maintain the current level or reduce vulnerability.
Benefits of the Approach [00:01:41]
- It allows for gradual intimacy building, fostering trust over time without taking excessive risks.
- It helps prevent rejection or feeling abandoned by gauging the other person's engagement before revealing highly personal information.

The 10 Levels of Intimacy Explained with Examples [00:02:06]

The video details a 10-level scale of intimacy, providing examples for each stage using a hypothetical interaction with a classmate.

Levels 1-2: Everyday, Non-Emotional Events [00:02:10]
- Characteristics [00:02:12]
  - Discussing neutral, non-emotional topics.
  - Examples: Weather, traffic, the taste of a meal, opinions on non-emotional subjects (e.g., restaurant service, room color).
- Example Scenario [00:02:25]
  - Initiating with a classmate: "The readings took me a really long time to complete this week."
  - Assessing reciprocation: Do they agree, or do they dismiss the comment?
Levels 3-4: Non-Emotional Personal Disclosures or Emotional Non-Personal Disclosures [00:02:48]
- Characteristics [00:02:50]
  - Revealing personal goals or values (e.g., politics, parenting, philosophy).
  - Expressing emotional or passionate views on non-personal topics (e.g., world peace).
  - Sharing socially acceptable personal preferences (e.g., hobbies like mountain biking).
- Example Scenario [00:03:08]
  - Building on reciprocation from Levels 1-2: Discussing weekend plans (e.g., a trip) or sharing an opinion on a political topic from class.
Levels 5-6: Private Feelings/Emotional Judgments on Personal Events or Socially Unacceptable Opinions [00:03:38]
- Characteristics [00:03:41]
  - Disclosing true feelings about personal events (e.g., about a boss or co-worker).
  - Revealing socially less acceptable opinions, judgments, or preferences (e.g., "I detest disorganized people").
- Example Scenario [00:03:57]
  - Following reciprocation from Levels 3-4: Sharing a critical opinion about a popular professor.
Levels 7-8: Personal Opinions/Thoughts about Relationships or Highly Emotional Personal Events [00:04:24]
- Characteristics [00:04:25]
  - Expressing personal thoughts or opinions about the relationship itself (e.g., "I really like you").
  - Giving details about highly emotional personal events (e.g., an unhappy marriage).
  - Engaging in open emotional expressions (e.g., tears, uninhibited laughter, increased eye contact).
- Example Scenario [00:04:45]
  - After prior reciprocation: Suggesting to study together because you "vibe" or like them as a person.
  - Revealing a personal setback: "Actually, my weekend was terrible, I broke up with my boyfriend."
- Key Observation [00:05:06]
  - Many relationships often falter at this stage due to a lack of reciprocation, causing individuals to reduce their level of disclosure.
Level 9: Affection/Desire for More Intimacy, Shameful/Embarrassing Experiences, Extreme Self-Doubt [00:05:27]
- Characteristics [00:05:29]
  - Expressing affection or a desire for deeper intimacy (e.g., "I want to spend more time with you").
  - Sharing shameful or embarrassing experiences that could be damaging if widely known.
  - Being highly vulnerable by sharing extreme self-doubt or weaknesses.
- Example Scenario [00:05:43]
  - After established trust: Discussing the specific reasons for a breakup.
  - Explicitly stating positive feelings and inviting them to an event: "I think you're a really cool person, I really like spending time with you. How would you feel about going to this event with me?"
Level 10: Expressing Love/Intense Caring, Desire for Committed Relationship, Deep-Seated Vulnerable Emotions, Serious Sacrifices [00:06:04]
- Characteristics [00:06:06]
  - Expressing love and intense feelings of caring.
  - Desiring a committed, long-term relationship.
  - Revealing deep-seated vulnerable emotions never expressed before.
  - Willingness to make serious personal sacrifices for the relationship.
- Example Scenario [00:06:20]
  - Asking someone to be your partner.
  - Telling a close friend "I love you."
    
    The 10-level Match Plus One Intimacy Rating Scale from Radically Open DBT [ 00:02:10 ]

Self-Assessment and Personal Growth [00:06:30]

The video concludes with an exercise and homework assignment to help viewers apply the "Match Plus One" technique to their own relationships.

Relationship Mapping Exercise [00:06:35]
- Viewers are encouraged to use a provided worksheet to map out where their current relationships (friends, family, partner, co-workers) fall on the 10-level intimacy spectrum.
Reflection Questions [00:06:41]
- Patterns in Relationships: Identify noticeable patterns in intimacy levels across different relationships.
- Gaps in the Spectrum: Recognize if there are certain levels of closeness that are difficult to achieve or maintain.
  - The speaker shares her own experience of a gap between levels 6-9, stemming from black-and-white thinking about trust.
- Relationship Clusters: Observe if certain types of relationships (e.g., family, friends) tend to cluster at specific intimacy levels.
- Perception vs. Reality: Consider how others might rate your intimacy with them and explore reasons for any discrepancies.
Personal Challenge Homework [00:08:05]
- Viewers are challenged to select a step slightly outside their comfort zone based on their self-assessment.
- Examples [00:08:14]
  - For difficulty showing affection professionally: Give a holiday card to a co-worker.
  - For struggling with high intimacy in friendships: Tell a friend, "I care about you," or "I love you."