Six Mindset Shifts and a Practical Tool to Cultivate Assertiveness and Self-Respect

Newel of Knowledge

Fault vs responsibility… [0:00]

The video begins by stating that a lack of assertiveness isn't your fault, as no one may have taught you how to communicate your wants and needs without aggression or diminishing others.

• This often stems from past experiences with parental figures or important individuals who may have instilled an unconscious belief that speaking up leads to punishment.
• However, while not your fault, it is your responsibility to become more assertive, marking the next step in personal growth.
• The video aims to provide six mindset shifts and one low-stakes tool to help viewers become 5% more assertive.

1. The etymology of "Assertiveness" [1:19]

Understanding the root of the word "assertive" provides a foundational mindset shift.

• The word comes from two Latin words: "ad" (to) and "serere" (to join).
• Combined, they formed "asserere," meaning "to claim or affirm," which evolved into the English word "assert" in the 17th century.
• This etymology reveals that assertiveness is about claiming and affirming one crucial thing: self-respect.
  • Viewing assertiveness as an opportunity to restore your relationship with yourself, which subsequently improves relationships with others.

    

2. You can’t stop people making demands on your time/energy, but… [3:04]

It's a realistic mindset that acknowledges external pressures while focusing on internal empowerment.

• People will always have expectations and make requests, which is "the tax we pay" for being social human beings.
• The key is to develop the skills to protect yourself in these situations.
• This reframes assertiveness as being about safety.
  • Communicating your thoughts and feelings protects yourself and reclaims self-respect that may have been lost or is being rediscovered.
  • Assertiveness is safety, not aggression.

    

3. Your assertiveness role model isn’t arrogant, that’s why they’re your role model [5:14]

This point clarifies the true nature of assertiveness by distinguishing it from aggression or arrogance.

• An assertive role model is someone who can express their thoughts and feelings without fear, but they are not arrogant or aggressive.
• Assertiveness exists on a spectrum:
  • On one end is submissiveness (constantly deferring to others).
  • On the other end is aggression (communicating needs at the expense of others, which is arrogance).
  • Assertiveness is the "golden mean" between these two extremes.
• If someone is assertive, it means they have developed the habit of assertiveness, implying that it is a learnable skill.

  

4. Being assertive is the most loving thing you can do [7:08]

This shift highlights the positive impact of assertiveness on relationships.

• Assertiveness communicates a deep love and desire to protect the connection by expressing vulnerability and honesty.
• The alternative, deception or self-editing, tarnishes relationships in the long run.
• Being assertive invites others to be more authentic as well.
• Assertiveness must be understood as a virtue, like honesty, truth, trust, integrity, and loyalty.
  • Believing in its virtue is crucial for consistent practice.
• Dislike delayed conflict more than immediate conflict:
  • Choosing short-term discomfort (stepping into conflict) prevents the long-term, greater discomfort of a tarnished relationship and eroded self-respect.
  • Examples include addressing disrespectful comments or declining invitations clearly rather than letting resentment build or friendships fade.

    

5. You’re going to die, so stop choking [12:19]

This direct mindset shift urges immediate action by considering future regret.

• On your deathbed, you will either reflect on moments you stepped into discomfort and grew, or experience regret for all the times you held back your true thoughts and emotions.
• The benefits of assertiveness far outweigh the fear of engaging in it.

  

6. Assertiveness is like a new language - it takes years of practice [13:30]

This final mindset shift emphasizes patience and self-compassion.

• Like learning a new language, becoming assertive requires consistent practice over time.
• Remember the quote from Alan Watts: "You are under no obligation to be who you were 5 minutes ago." You can choose to change and become assertive at any moment.

  

The low stakes tool you can use right now to be more assertive [13:54]

A practical, immediate step to begin practicing assertiveness:

• Say no to one person, decline one invitation, or disagree with someone this week.
• Do this without giving a reason or explanation.
• When attempting this, you will notice your mind generating a belief like "If I say no, then X will happen."
• Completing that sentence helps identify the subconscious rule guiding your submissive behavior.
• Act assertively anyway, providing new evidence to your brain that saying "no" (or disagreeing) is actually safe, shattering old patterns of hesitation.

  

Books to read [15:55]

A list of recommended books on assertiveness for further learning:

• Difficult conversations (Douglas Stone)
• When I say no I feel guilty (Manuel J. Smith)
• Non-violent communication (Marshall B. Rosenberg)
• The anatomy of peace (Arbinger Institute)
• Differentiation of Self (Peter Tielman)
• The self under siege (Dr. Joyce Catlett, Lisa Firestone, and Robert W. Firestone)