Former FBI Negotiator Chris Voss Shares Strategies for Effective Negotiation: From Salary Increases to De-escalating Conflict in Relationships

Jay Shetty Podcast

How You Became An FBI Lead Negotiator [01:33]

Chris Voss, initially a SWAT team member, transitioned to hostage negotiation after a knee injury. He was drawn to crisis response and the need for quick decisions. He found hostage negotiation more satisfying than SWAT, viewing it as a path the universe pushed him towards.

• Initial Rejection: Voss was initially deemed unqualified for the negotiation team.
• Path to Qualification: He was advised to volunteer at a suicide hotline to gain experience, which became a foundational learning ground.
  • Learning Process: He focused on learning the hotline's process rather than just helping people, observing how empathy and emotional intelligence accelerated positive outcomes. This experience built his confidence in a proven methodology, removing fear from future hostage negotiations.

Training At A Suicide Hotline [04:18]

Voss recounts his experience at a suicide hotline, which taught him crucial negotiation techniques.

• Calming Voice and Emotion Labeling: Starting conversations with a calming, soothing voice is essential. The core technique is "emotion labeling"—identifying and verbalizing the emotion heard, which is highly effective in deactivating negative emotions, based on neuroscience.
  • Example: Responding to a frantic caller saying "You sound frantic" immediately calmed them down.
• Reinforcing Positives: By observing and labeling both negative and positive emotions, negotiators act as sounding boards, helping individuals self-level and empowering them to find their own solutions rather than just receiving advice. This builds self-belief and internalizes problem-solving.

Reframing Negotiation [09:45]

Many people avoid negotiation because they perceive it as conflict or argument. Voss explains this fear and proposes a new framework for negotiation.

• Three Types of People: The world population is divided into three types based on conflict response:
  • Assertive: Loves conflict, sees it as combat, recovers quickly, but may overlook long-term costs.
  • Analyst: Avoids conflict because it is inefficient and destructive, preferring strategic thinking and alternative communication methods.
  • Accommodator: Avoids conflict because it is "ugly" and pollutes existence, prioritizing relationships and optimism.
• Negotiation as Collaboration: Voss redefines negotiation as "great collaboration and a long-term relationship where both parties are ecstatic about their success." This reframing makes negotiation more appealing and less intimidating.
  • Invisible Negotiation: Great negotiators like Oprah Winfrey are not seen as conflict-oriented but rather as masters of collaboration, achieving immense success through positive, long-term relationships without overt combat.
• Forcing Collaboration: Even in high-stakes situations like kidnapping, the goal is to force collaboration without hitting back, by understanding the other side's justifications and perspectives without necessarily agreeing with them.
  • The "That's Right" Rule: In a potentially contentious discussion, the rule is to summarize the other side's viewpoint until they confirm with "That's right." This deactivates escalation, makes participants smarter, and brings people closer, even if immediate agreements aren't reached.

    

The Importance Of Slowing Down [21:25]

In a fast-paced world driven by efficiency, the inclination is to speed up. However, effective negotiation requires slowing down.

• Lack of Positive Models: Society often lacks models for effective, collaborative negotiation, instead being saturated with "professional agitators" who thrive on conflict and negativity for short-term gains (e.g., clickbait media).
• Acceleration through Understanding: Demonstrating understanding and summarizing perspectives, though it seems slower, actually accelerates positive outcomes by approximately 14 times, making the process more efficient in the long run.
• Intrinsic Satisfaction: Since successful, invisible negotiation often doesn't receive immediate external congratulations, the reward must be intrinsically self-satisfying—the knowledge that one has achieved a better outcome faster and more effectively.

How Do You Prepare For A Negotiation? [25:20]

Preparation is crucial, focusing on mental readiness and strategic questioning.

• Summarizing Perspective: The primary preparation step is to think about how to summarize the other side's perspective, which provides invaluable clues into their motivations.
• Gratitude and Positive Mindset: Cultivating a positive frame of mind through gratitude exercises, meditation, or other hacks enhances cognitive function, making one 31% smarter. This helps clear the natural negative survival mechanism.
• "No"-Oriented Questions: Instead of asking "yes"-oriented questions (which can trigger a defensive, "trap" feeling), formulate questions that elicit a "no." This makes the other person feel safe and protected, opening them up to listening and genuine collaboration.
  • Example: "Does this sound like a stupid idea?" rather than "Does this make sense?" A "no" response empowers them to freely share their concerns or alternative ideas.

The Biggest Negotiation Mistakes [30:04]

Common errors often involve the sequence and type of engagement.

• Common Mistakes:
  1. Asking "yes"-oriented questions initially.
  2. Immediately presenting one's "value proposition" or pitch. This is out of sequence because the other side is eager to share their own perspective, creating internal interference that prevents them from truly listening.
• Prioritizing the Other Side: Always start by seeking to understand the other side's priorities and perspectives first. This initiates collaboration by addressing what is most important to them.

Always Look For Patterns! [31:52]

When facing individuals who seem irrational or incoherent, it's vital to shift away from expecting logic and instead look for patterns.

• Liberating from Rationality: Let go of the idea that others must be rational or logical. This frees the mind to see underlying patterns.
• Recognizing "Wiring Issues": True unpredictability from neurological disorders (like paranoid schizophrenia or meth-induced psychosis) is rare. Most often, seemingly irrational behavior follows patterns driven by chemical imbalances or extreme pressure.
• Deactivating Negativity: By identifying and reflecting negative emotions (e.g., "You sound like you're under a lot of pressure"), one can help the other person clear their head and become more receptive.
  • Example: In a tense business negotiation, labeling a "bully" as "under a lot of pressure" completely defused the situation and opened up communication.

How To Stop Being Taken Advantage Of [40:30]

When feeling consistently exploited, a paradigm shift is necessary, recognizing that enabling others doesn't help them.

• Not Helping Them: Allowing others to take advantage of you means you are acting as a "crutch," preventing them from becoming their best selves or dealing with reality on their own.

  

• "Last Impression is Lasting Impression": End relationships (personal or professional) positively, even if parting ways. Emulate Oprah Winfrey, who maintains respect and value for individuals even when confronting them or ending collaborations, reinforcing that the decision is theirs while setting firm boundaries.
• Gentle Boundaries: Set gentle but firm boundaries. If these are not respected after a couple of attempts, it's a preview of future behavior, indicating it's time to move on for one's own well-being and purpose.

The Illusion Of Control [44:31]

Many assertives seek to control situations, but this is an inefficient and ultimately limiting approach.

• Control is Inefficient: Attempting to control others requires constant supervision and limits impact to only a few individuals.
• Influence and Empowerment: The secret to gaining the "upper hand" (in a positive, collaborative sense) is to give the other side the illusion of control. This empowers them to be self-directed and think for themselves, allowing for broader positive influence and more accomplished goals.
  • "Batteries Included": This metaphor refers to needing partners who are self-sufficient, aligned on core values, and can contribute without constant oversight. Recognizing the high cost of control leads to seeking guidance and empowering others instead.

    

The 'Mirroring' Trick [46:27]

Mirroring is a tactical empathy tool, but its effectiveness depends entirely on genuine intent.

• Neutrality of Tools: Negotiation skills, like a scalpel, are neutral. Their impact (saving or taking a life) depends on the wielder's intention.
• Intent is Key: If the intention is long-term collaboration and mutual prosperity, even overt techniques like mirroring or labeling will be accepted because the other person senses a genuine desire for a better outcome.
  • Reframing Conflict: When arguments arise, shift the frame from short-term conflict to long-term collaboration. Ask, "I would love for this moment to be something we look back on 10 years from now as the moment we discovered collaboration and made both of us prosper for 10 years."

    

How To Negotiate A Better Salary [48:47]

Negotiating for a better salary or promotion should focus on future contributions, not past achievements.

• Future-Oriented Question: Ask your boss: "How can I be guaranteed to be involved in projects that are critical to the strategic future of this organization?" This immediately demonstrates you are a team player focused on high-impact, championship-level work.
  • Shifting Perspective: Bosses care about the future of the organization. Focusing on past contributions ("I did what you asked") is seen as "even," while focusing on future business-critical activities aligns with the leader's priorities and opens doors to greater reward and impact.

    

• Following Directions vs. Strategic Impact: While following directions is valuable, maximizing impact and reward comes from proactively identifying and contributing to business-critical activities, even those "from your six" that the leader might not see.
• When Promises Fail: If a company promises a promotion for high performance and then reneges, it indicates culture, leadership, or management problems. This signals that the company is likely failing or going out of business.
  • Strategic Exit: Such a situation means your time with that company is limited. Use your accomplishments to build your resume and seek opportunities with companies that value talent and keep their promises.
  • Assertive Approach: Confront the boss with an empathetic but assertive "no"-oriented question: "I'm sure that I seem very selfish and ignorant of the pressures you're under... do you want us to fail?" Follow up with: "If you make it impossible for me to stay, how am I supposed to stay?" This gently forces them to confront the reality of their broken promises and the consequences for the business.

How Can Women Become Better Negotiators? [59:07]

The gender pay gap is a systemic issue, but individual strategies can empower women.

• Bad Core Values: Any organization that pays talent less due to gender has bad core values and culture, making it a business destined to fail.
• Padding the Resume: If you are in such a workplace, focus on building your resume with accomplishments and seek out companies that truly value talent, regardless of gender or demographics.
• Prioritizing Self: Recognize that you are in a bad relationship and it will end. Prepare to move on to a place where your contributions are valued.

  

Work With The Easy, Lucrative, and Fun Clients [01:05:13]

Not all clients or opportunities are worth pursuing, especially early in an entrepreneurial journey.

• HALFs vs. ELFs: A concept from Joe Polish:
  • HALFs: Hard, Annoying, Lame, and Frustrating clients.
  • ELFs: Easily, Lucrative, and Fun clients.
• Avoiding HALFs: Working with HALFs is a bad idea for long-term business health. It takes 2-5 times longer to close and implement deals, effectively cutting pay by 50% or more, and these clients rarely repeat business. They also obstruct opportunities with ELFs.
• Embracing ELFs: By politely walking away from HALFs early, you make space for ELFs, who are waiting to do business. This might be a "leap of faith" for new entrepreneurs, but it's a proven law of the entrepreneurial universe.

  

Polite Boundary Setting [01:11:15]

Polite withdrawal and clear boundary setting are essential in both professional and personal relationships, especially when promises are broken or effort diminishes.

• Over-Delivering, Then Under-Delivering: In relationships, one partner might initially over-deliver (e.g., constant calls, amazing dates), then gradually pull back. This creates a disconnect, even if the new behavior is "reasonable."
• Calibrated Questions for Relationships: Use "how" and "what" questions (calibrated questions) to uncover problems and create solutions without sounding accusatory.
  • Example: "What got us off track?" or "How do you want me to feel about where we are now versus where we were?"
• The "How Am I Supposed to Do That?" Question: This powerful phrase forces the other person to consider your position and reveals their level of care.
  • Example: "How am I supposed to maintain my relationship with you under these different set of circumstances, when we used to have amazing date nights and quality time, and now that seems to have gone away?"
  • Interpretation: This is not a refusal but a strong warning. Their reaction will tell you if they are willing to change or are indifferent.
• Self-Protection: If indifference is the response, it's a preview of a declining future. Be grateful for the time spent, learn from the experience, and prioritize your own happiness by making the hard decision to move on.

  

How To Not Be Emotional When Negotiating [01:16:39]

Managing emotions during negotiation is critical to ensure clear communication and avoid sounding confrontational or complaining.

• Sounding Board: Talk through emotions with a neutral friend who can be a sounding board, not an advice-giver. Verbalizing thoughts helps clarify them.
• Acknowledging Perceptions: Instead of denying negative perceptions, call them out in advance.
  • Example: "I'm probably going to sound like a typical complaining female" or "I know you all think that meditation is woo-woo." This small shift (2-millimeter shift) disarms the other party, making them more receptive to your actual message.
• Practice: Both strategies require practice to implement effectively without appearing emotional. Recognizing the dynamic of how you sound helps in shifting to a more effective approach.

How To Negotiate In Relationships [01:22:18]

The success or failure of relationships hinges on the alignment of core values, not necessarily sharing every single one.

• Core Values Alignment: All relationships, business or personal, succeed or fail based on the alignment of core values. While not every value needs to be shared, approximately 80% should be.
• Behavior vs. Value Change: If the behavior change you seek from your partner is inconsistent with their deeply held values, it is unlikely to happen, leading to misery.
• Accepting Differences: You can value someone as a human being, maintain a positive relationship, and wish them well, even if an intimate, lifelong commitment is not possible due to value misalignment.
• Curious About Other's Values: Be curious about the other side's values and how they might enrich your life. Respecting differing values, even if not fully adopting them, is crucial for connection.

  

Respecting Other People’s Values [01:26:05]

It's common to expect others to respect our values while disrespecting theirs, leading to a breakdown in connection.

• Beyond Identical Values: We don't need identical values to connect. Understanding why someone holds a particular value fosters respect, even if the value itself differs.
• Richness in Diversity: Maintaining relationships with people who hold different operational views (e.g., political) can add richness to life, even if there isn't full agreement.
• Blending vs. Splitting: "Never Split the Difference" means not compromising merely for the sake of it, but rather seeking the optimal "blend" that creates a better outcome. It also means being open to the possibility that the other side is 100% right and has insights you lack.
  • Example: A husband wanting an artificial Christmas tree versus his wife desiring a real one. By using tactical empathy to understand his wife's deeper, long-lasting reasons for a real tree, he realizes her perspective is correct, leading to a real tree—a "never split the difference" outcome where one side's insight leads to a superior solution.

The Tactical Empathy Documentary [01:31:02]

Voss's documentary, "Tactical Empathy," explores the history of hostage sieges and the application of empathy in law enforcement.

• Impact of Empathy: The documentary highlights how empathy is a "sneak attack on racism" and produces better decision-making, helping to solve most problems in law enforcement and disadvantaged communities.
• NYPD Training: It features Voss's son, Brandon, training the NYPD on emotional intelligence and tactical empathy. Brandon, an African-American man, connects with officers by demonstrating how empathy builds bridges in communities, even amidst historical baggage.
• Goal: The film aims to promote better training for law enforcement, fostering improved police-community relationships and reducing problems in disadvantaged communities.

Chris on Final Five [1:34:11]

Lightning round questions and answers.

• Best Advice: Never take directions from somebody you wouldn't trade places with.
• Worst Advice: Hang in there just to prove them wrong.
• Current Purpose: Making the world a better place.
• Why Empathy is Not a Weakness: Empathy is strength, reasoning, and a superpower, not a weakness.
• Law for Everyone: Be nice first.