Christian's Journey: Confronting Alcoholism and Embracing Sobriety in the Music Industry

CROW HILL

Christian's Sobriety Journey Begins [0:00]

Christian begins by sharing a deeply personal revelation: he has sobered up, not just cut down, but completely stopped drinking.

• He reveals he is a "raging alcoholic" and has known for a while, acknowledging that viewers of his vlogs might have noticed it over time.
• He states he is currently 483 days sober, although a recent flight made him feel like he was only a week sober in that "saloon in the sky."

Alcohol's Pervasive Influence and Personal Struggles [1:18]

He discusses the unique drinking culture in airports and the historical context of British licensing laws.

• He explains how his definition of alcoholism shifted over time:
  • Initially, he claimed he didn't drink every day, but that changed in 1997.
  • He then moved the goalposts to not drinking during the day, which also eventually gave way.
• He confesses that 90% of his "walkie-aroundy" vlogs were filmed while he was "completely hammered," and even his tutorials were often done in an "alcoholic fog" or with a "Orwellian hangover."
• He used to pride himself on masking the effects, flippantly calling himself a "high-functioning alcoholic."
• He later learned that alcoholism isn't about different types, but stages, and he rapidly moved from "functioning" to "dysfunctional" during a period of intense personal loss and stress:
  • His father dying.
  • COVID-19 lockdown.
  • His mother dying.
  • Difficult work situations.

The Nature of Addiction and Turning Points [4:13]

Christian reflects on the nature of alcoholism as a mix of nature and nurture.

• He mentions studies suggesting a physical difference in alcoholics, almost like an allergy.
• He recalls his first time getting drunk at 14, experiencing a sensation he thought was universal happiness.
• Alcohol initially served as a "cure" for discomfort in his skin at a young age, but eventually became the cause of discomfort, leading to paranoia and panic attacks.
• At 25, after a brain hemorrhage and surgery, he consciously decided to "smash life," which paradoxically fueled his drinking, initially every other day to avoid being an "every day" drinker.
• His career as a touring musician further entrenched a "Peter Pan-like existence" centered around drinking.
• Moving to Soho, London, a notoriously non-sober area, and then setting up his company, which fostered a drinking culture, worsened his problem.
• A "geographical shift" to Edinburgh, hoping to live cleaner, failed when he moved opposite a pub.
• His drinking escalated to spirits, particularly whiskey after moving to Scotland.
• The turning point happened in a hotel room where the mini-bar transformed into a "medicine cabinet."
  • He was shaking so violently he couldn't use his computer, a critical part of his job.
  • This led him to admit to close friends that he was an alcoholic, though he initially "did absolutely f*** all" about it for another two years.
  • A doctor warned him of a possible major stroke, having had one at 25, and he was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and on eight different pills daily for physical and mental side effects.
  • He felt "terminally unique," believing his problems were so distinct that he was willing to continue down a self-destructive path rather than seek help.
  • He eventually found a place for help, realizing he wasn't alone and that he was indeed an alcoholic.

    

The Benefits and Ongoing Effort of Sobriety [11:04]

Christian emphasizes his commitment to honesty on his channel and hopes sharing his experience will help others, especially in the music industry.

• He admits many past vlogs were filmed while he was "blackout drunk," making them difficult to watch now.
• He reflects on a conversation with a friend and a quote from John Mayer about the enhanced potential without alcohol, which ignited a spark for his own sobriety.
• The final catalyst for him to quit was realizing the habit was running at a "total net loss" financially and personally.
• After seeking help, his anxiety and paranoia disappeared within days, blood pressure normalized, and he felt he regained his life and most importantly, his brain.
  • He stopped the constant "self-bargaining" and calculating hours until the first drink.
• He describes sobriety as similar to healing from a broken heart, requiring time and vigilance, especially against "HALT" (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).
• Sobriety makes him look forward to tomorrow, offers greater "delayed gratification" than immediate alcohol enjoyment, and has made him a better person and a better dad.

Current Activities and Future Plans [12:43]

Christian also provides updates on his professional life during his trip to LA.

• He struggles with jet lag but manages to pre-record a podcast/workshop.
• He showcases a new music engine, "Gong Piano," that his company has been developing.
  • The engine features a familiar UI, five key switches, and samples contextual to modes and scales.
  • It incorporates "partials" instead of microphones for signals and curated "macros" for effects.
  • He aims for an intuitive design and includes accessibility features like an info overlay and a sight-impaired view.

    

• He attends NAMM (National Association of Music Merchants) for planning, despite feeling anxiety about returning to a place with personal history and potential encounters with difficult people.
• He emphasizes having an "exit strategy" for overwhelming situations, planning to stay for only two hours at NAMM.
• He concludes the LA portion of his trip with a breakfast meeting with industry friends before heading to New York.