Design Your Life: A 10-Year Step-by-Step Process with Debbie Millman

Mel Robbins

Summary:

In this episode, Mel Robbins hosts Debbie Millman, a renowned designer and professor, who shares her transformative, step-by-step process for designing the life you want. Millman's method, inspired by Milton Glazer, involves envisioning your ideal future a decade from now in vivid detail, without the constraints of realism or focusing on "how-to." She emphasizes prioritizing possibility over probability and openly declaring desires to integrate them into one's intentions. This process helps overcome self-sabotage and fear, encouraging intentional action and creation rather than "faking it till you make it." The episode provides key prompts for self-reflection and reveals how this approach has empowered countless individuals to manifest their dreams and create meaningful lives.

Meet the Guest [00:00]

Debbie Millman, a highly regarded designer, professor, artist, writer, and brand strategist, shares her process for designing one's life.

• Designing life is about intention [00:00:05]
  • Design is embedded in everything we do, from products to logos to meals.

    

  • Making deliberate decisions about what you want your life to look, feel, and embody.
  • Creating a plan to manifest these desires.
• Design principles apply to life [00:03:52]
  • Design is about making deliberate decisions for anything to exist, whether a product, a logo, a room, or a meal.
  • This framework helps awaken hopes and dreams that individuals might be too afraid to acknowledge or pursue.

Introduction [1:39]

Mel Robbins highlights Debbie Millman's extensive experience teaching life design for almost two decades.

• Overcoming feeling stuck [00:05:14]
  • Many people feel stuck and unsure of what they want in life.
  • Millman's process offers a concrete way to create a desired future.

Why Possibility Matters More Than Probability [05:14]

Millman stresses the importance of focusing on possibilities over probabilities when designing your life.

• Prioritize possibility [00:05:54]
  • Decisions should be based on what is possible, not what is probable.
  • This approach helps individuals experiment with different life possibilities.
• Fear of failure as a blocker [00:06:30]
  • Many people avoid pursuing desires due to fear of failure, rejection, or humiliation.
  • Millman's personal experience of overcoming shame and rejection in pursuing her own aspirations underscores this point.
• Moving forward with intention [00:07:16]
  • Life design is about moving forward with creativity, clarity, spirituality, and honesty.
  • It involves creating a vision for a life that currently doesn't exist and might even seem incomprehensible.

The 10-Year Exercise That Changes Lives [08:09]

Millman describes the origin and impact of her life-design exercise.

• Origin from Milton Glazer [00:08:06]
  • The exercise was adapted from a class taught by the renowned designer Milton Glazer in 2005.

    

  • Glazer's original exercise involved writing an essay imagining life 5 years in the future, if anything desired could be achieved.

    

    

  • Glazer believed this class was the most important thing he did, as students frequently reported their written visions coming true.
• Personal transformation [00:10:09]
  • Millman wrote a 12-page essay and a list of 20 aspirations, then forgot about it.
  • A year later, she rediscovered it and found many items, like teaching at the School of Visual Arts, a book deal, and AIGA board membership, had materialized.
• The power of declaration [00:11:33]
  • Reading the desires aloud is crucial, as admitting wants out loud integrates them into one's intentions.
  • These intentions are shaped by beliefs about self-worth and entitlement, often formed unconsciously at a young age.
• Adapting the exercise for a younger audience [00:13:14]
  • Millman extended the timeline to 10 years for her younger students to allow for more patience and unfurling of life.

How to Start Designing the Life You Want [14:37]

Detailed steps on how to begin the life design exercise.

• Starting the process [00:13:55]
  • The first step is simply to start, accepting that various emotions, pleasant or not, will arise.
  • Stress can come from doubting one's ability, worthiness, or fear of wanting things.
• Practicalities of the exercise [00:17:17]
  • Write in any preferred medium (phone, iPad, paper, journal).
  • Find a peaceful, free space for personal reflection.
  • Envision life without fear of pursuit or need for process.
• The 10-year forward vision [00:18:51]
  • Start by writing: "It's October 29th, 2035. I open my eyes and..." (adjusting the date to 10 years from the present).

    

  • Detail the surroundings: who you're with, pets, children, appearance of your bedroom.
  • Describe your day: exercise, spiritual practice, meals, work, meetings, money, transportation (bicycle, car, skateboard).
  • The exercise focuses solely on the outcome, not the process or realism.
• The purpose of a 10-year timeframe [00:20:21]
  • A 10-year span allows for greater imagination, detaching from realistic expectations and present-day constraints.
  • It's about dreaming the opposite of realistic and focusing on the desired outcome.
  • This mental time travel helps individuals envision possibilities they might not realize are within reach over time.

How to Take Up Space in Your Own Life [26:13]

The exercise delves deeper into personal aspects of the imagined future.

• Intimate details of life [00:25:09]
  • "Where do you live?"

    

  • "What does your home look like?"

    

  • "What kind of love do you need?" (Mel desires "constant love" with family and friends).
  • "Describe your physical self. How is your health? How do you take care of yourself?"
• Taking up space and self-worth [00:26:24]
  • "How do you take up space?" asks if you allow yourself to be fully present or if you make yourself smaller for others.

    

  • Many people fear being "too much" or wanting too much, preventing them from taking up rightful space.
• Purpose and mastery [00:27:08]
  • "Do you have a spiritual practice? If so, what does that entail?"

    

  • "Outline your relationship with money. How much do you need? How much do you want? What do you want to do with it?"

    

  • "What have you developed mastery of?" (Millman notes mastery takes time, challenging the modern expectation of instant success).

    

  • If unsure what to master, explore many interests; mastery develops through consistent practice.

The Truth About “Not Knowing What You Want” [30:36]

Millman addresses the common hurdle of not knowing what one wants.

• Fear of wanting and failure [00:30:36]
  • People often don't truly know what they want because they are afraid to want things, fearing failure or humiliation.
  • They declare things impossible before even attempting what is possible.
• Overcoming self-imposed limitations [00:31:33]
  • For example, an aspiring artist might believe they won't be successful or appreciated, thus never pursuing art.

    

  • This is a self-determined limitation, an assumption made without testing.
  • Even young students often prematurely decide certain paths are impossible.

This Is What Self-Sabotage Really Looks Like [37:13]

Self-sabotage is identified as the internal narrative that prevents pursuing dreams.

• Internal restrictions [00:37:13]
  • Self-sabotage involves telling oneself that dreams (e.g., dream partner, house, business) are unattainable.

    

  • These internal restrictions stem from focusing on probability, realism, and process, rather than possibility.
• Hope vs. Fear [00:37:52]
  • When facing fear, individuals must decide if their hope for a possibility outweighs their fear of it not working out.

    

  • More faith in fear indicates a need to examine the reasons behind it.
• Seizing the present moment [00:38:41]
  • Millman encourages students to act now: "You're never going to be younger. You're never going to be more beautiful. What are you waiting for?"
  • Waiting for fear to disappear is a form of self-sabotage.
• Defining happiness [00:39:02]
  • Happiness is defined as contentment and being present in the moment, rather than a continuous search for "happy."

    

  • This contentment often comes from creating things, enjoying relationships, and finding peace in one's environment.
• Universal aspirations across decades [00:42:20]
  • In their 20s, people visualize jobs, relationships, and homes.
  • In their 30s, themes shift to family, children, and professional mastery.
  • In their 40s, desires include more creativity, time, balance, and health.
  • Across all ages, people consistently mention money and pets in their future visions.
  • In their 50s and 60s, focus shifts to time utilization, creating meaning, and legacy.
  • A prompt to consider: "What are 5 things you would do if you knew you would not fail?"

    

The Most Crucial Step: Admit What You Really Want [48:23]

The act of public declaration is emphasized as a powerful step.

• The power of public sharing [00:48:25]
  • After completing their essays, students are required to read them aloud to the class, which can be terrifying but also empowering.
  • Hearing others share their dreams expands one's own sense of possibility.
• Expanding possibilities [00:50:29]
  • After sharing, students are given a chance to add anything they might have missed, often expanding their initial visions.
  • This process encourages individuals to expect and manifest more from themselves.
• Mel Robbins' podcast as an example [00:51:32]
  • Mel shares that her podcast began from "imagine if" conversations with her team, envisioning possibilities despite conventional wisdom.
  • This demonstrates the power of dwelling in possibility and giving oneself permission to imagine.

Why It’s So Hard to Imagine a Better Future [54:56]

Millman explains the societal and personal barriers to envisioning an ideal future.

• Modern challenges to imagination [00:55:27]
  • It's especially stressful for young people due to global uncertainty and the social media portrayal of "effortless success."
  • This pressure makes people question possibilities even more.
• Creating vs. waiting for opportunity [00:54:00]
  • Instead of passively waiting and hoping for opportunities, individuals should actively create them.
  • Taking action increases the chances of manifestation, even without guarantees.
• The privilege of freedom and hope [00:44:11]
  • Imagining a life of freedom assumes one can be free, anchoring hope and resilience.

    

  • Millman highlights the importance of intentional freedom and the power of hope, even for those with limited liberty.

Don’t Fake It Till You Make It — Make It Till You Make It [01:02:51]

Millman offers a powerful reframe for pursuing goals.

• Authenticity in action [01:03:19]
  • Reject "fake it till you make it" as inauthentic.
  • Embrace "make it until you make it," which means being an intentional part of the creation process.

    

  • This approach aligns with designing one's life through deliberate effort.
• Long-term impact of the exercise [01:04:15]
  • Many students have written to Millman years later, reporting that the exercise helped them manifest significant life goals or provided clarity on what they truly wanted.
  • The process works for anyone of any age, as hope knows no restrictions.
  • The ultimate takeaway is to simply "give it a shot" to learn something meaningful about yourself.
• Final encouragement: "If not now, when?" [01:07:03]